Fun Facebook Status

Best tweets February

2010-05-04T23:32:00.000-07:00

smartasshat I like my porn stars like I like my White House. No Bush.2:52 PM Feb 1st from Hahlo
smartasshat I like my White House like I like my lesbo porn. No Bush. No Dick.5:21 PM Feb 1st from twitterrific
nickclayton Turned on British telly. Apparently world is coming to an end. No. It’s snowing in London. Proof third runway needed to boost global warming8:41 AM Feb 2nd from Splitweet
trelvix Fair Trade Monday: You don’t offer your seat to the old woman on the train; I don’t tell you about the bird shit on your overcoat. Deal?1:06 PM Feb 2nd from web
hoosiergirl When you fall ass over elbow on the ice at 28, what hurts most is your pride. When you fall at 38, what hurts most is your ass & your elbow.3:36 PM Feb 2nd from web
andrewburnett @realfreshtv A degree in social media?? Pffft. What next dissertations of 140 characters?4:08 PM Feb 2nd from TweetDeck
RalphBassfeld When you call in sick, don’t tweet that you’re eating in a restaurant and going for a walk. Person fired by @podpimp for this.7:24 PM Feb 2nd from web
homerdash I woke up and didn’t see my shadow, so I went back to sleep for 6 more hours. Pretty sure that’s doing it right.7:42 PM Feb 2nd from txt
practicalwitch Never look away from the water dispenser while refilling. Not even if the cute delivery guy walks in. Um, especially not just then.7:55 PM Feb 2nd from web
DieLaughing If I haven’t been reliving this day over and over, then how do I know that no one will find this obvious Groundhog Day film reference funny?9:33 PM Feb 2nd from Power Twitter
Sweetnote RT:@victorjkennedy A plate of expensive food is just a poo waiting to happen.3:42 PM Feb 3rd from web
stephenfry Ok. This is now mad. I am stuck in a lift on the 26th floor of Centre Point. Hell’s teeth. We could be here for hours. Arse, poo and widdle10:47 PM Feb 3rd from Tweetie
weblivz if Strathclyde Police ever create an online Web 2.0 crime website should it be called http://tagrt.com ?10:17 AM Feb 4th from web
dotSno@Scobleizer Serendipity: when the farm-hand is looking for a needle in a haystack but instead finds the farmer’s daughter :)1:33 PM Feb 4th from web
skashliwal “There is only one difference between DREAM & AIM. DREAM requires soundless sleep to see… Whereas Aim requires sleepless effort to acheive11:29 AM Feb 5th from Vakow!
craigmcgill RT pls: has no-one realised Latitude lets you set up list of people you don’t like, see location – and avoid them. Antisocial media is here!12:10 PM Feb 5th from web
lordlikely is awake after a night of drunken debauchery. Both my heads are throbbing.12:18 PM Feb 5th from web
leeodden Retweeting @unmarketing: Remember, The Five Steps of Twitter Success: Follow, Reply, Retweet, Share, Repeat3:34 PM Feb 5th from twhirl
davelaw00 *shudder* thought I wouldn’t have to hear Blair making a speech again. Next to Obama, he’s cringe worthy http://tinyurl.com/cweqjd5:33 PM Feb 5th from TwitterFox
LenKendall Converstations, unlike banner ads, don’t get taken down on a certain date. (Take heed my media planner friends). 5:37 PM Feb 5th from twhirl
alisongow Thanks for those mixed messages. I will attempt to read your mind and get back with an answer. I am also booked on a learn-by-osmosis course 6:13 PM Feb 5th from Power Twitter
skydiver Dear person who just pushed past me to get on the plane: all parts of the plane land at the same time. Don’t make me kill you. Love, Peter 7:10 PM Feb 5th from TwitterBerry
VMDoug People are tweeting at “The World of Concrete Expo”, clearly things have gone too far: http://tinyurl.com/d39b97 10:31 PM Feb 5th from OutTwit
cartoono RT @sharonhayes: tell me a good joke – please? I had to pay a fine on an overdue library book – about Speed Reading. Absolutely true! 8:06 AM Feb 6th from TweetDeck
steverubel “7 Great Things You Can Do With Gmail Multiple Inboxes” http://ff.im/-Xnjx11:47 AM Feb 8th from FriendFeed
gapingvoid “Can’t art be a social object?” Oh, for fuck’s sake…10:05 AM Feb 9th from TwitterBerry
vd “Bandwidth, the petrol of the new global economy”11:04 AM Feb 9th from NatsuLion
globalcitizen The teller at the bank just used the word “necceseriously”. I’m going to write that down in the same list as “supposebly”. 2:52 PM Feb 10th from TwitterFon
mikebutcher Really looking forward to watching “celebrities” reveal how dull they really are on Twitter. In Twitter Veritas! 11:17 PM Feb 10th from Tweetie
swoodruff Standard disclaimer: The views expressed in my tweets don’t necessarily reflect the views or opinions of anyone else, including me at times 4:16 PM Feb 11th from TweetDeck
gapingvoid Off to buy a new handgun… #screwyouwerefromtexas 9:54 PM Feb 11th from web
cartoono When viewed from a train, other people’s lives seem so right and perfect. 1:01 PM Feb 12th from txt
UK_BusinessLabs Did you know that the left side of the brain controls speech? Well it would say that wouldn’t it? 3:27 PM Feb 12th from web
mikecoulter Off to see the EdTwestival human collateral damage at Edinburgh Coffee Morn in Centotre. 8:15 AM Feb 13th from Tweetie
twishes [-O] I wish this damn car alarm would either stay on or STFU, but NOT BOTH IN 2MIN INTERVALS…..*sigh*……. http://tinyurl.com/cf3vfx8:32 AM Feb 13th from twitterfeed
AllisterF I do worry. This town doesn’t have enough bandwidth for the all of us. 11:56 AM Feb 13th from web
PeoplemapsJulie The thing I loved most about @EdTwestival: Connections + Connections = Social… Proper social networking – not biz #EdTwestival 12:03 PM Feb 13th from web
Dutchcowboy screw cancer, lets launch a startup 9:23 AM Feb 15th from Twitstat Mobile
ViruSoul_ One Out of Four People in this Word is Mentally Unbalanced. Think of your 3 Closest Friends, if They Seems OK, Then UR the 1. 12:10 AM Feb 16th from Nambu
borisTwitter tagline: “It is with words as with sunbeams, the more they are condensed, the deeper they burn” 2:09 PM Feb 16th from web
chrisbrogan The good news is that I’m busy as hell. The bad news is, I’m still not saying no effectively and often enough. Deadlines missed everywhere. 2:37 PM Feb 18th from Tweetie
GilliganPierce When Satan found me this job, he placed me in the office THISCLOSE to the loo everyone shits in. Also, pretty certain they all have diarrhea 2:53 PM Feb 18th from mobile web
shelisrael I just prayed for the Lord to give me my Daily Bread. He told me to go down to La Boulangie & pay retail just like everyone else. 3:20 PM Feb 18th from web
Sznq When you’re stealing someone else’s thunder realise 1.You’re an uninspired copycat & 2. It’ll piss them off. 3.Zeus as an enemy sucks. 3:28 PM Feb 18th from TweetDeck
brandmilitia 2 years ago, to help become a better consultant, my cousin @tacanderson injected me with a street drug called “Twitter”. 3:33 PM Feb 18th from txt
John_Taylor What does it mean to come home to love, tenderness, compassion , understanding & great sex? – You’re in the wrong house! :-) 3:47 PM Feb 18th from TweetDeck
steveswrong (opens reader) Well at least Google stop counting when there is over 1000 items to read. 1000+ looks better than 5 million unread (sinner) 7:50 PM Feb 18th from web
brendanmacneill If RBS lost £28Bn. who’s the lucky fellow that found it? 8:16 PM Feb 18th from Tweetie
Catavarie The worst part about what I’m doing right now is that not only can I not talk about it, but I don’t even know what it is 9:30 PM Feb 18th from txt
sjcurrie Right I have now officially turned into my mother “what the helll are they wearing???” 9:49 PM Feb 18th from twitterrific
weblivz@ewanspence ha – i just re-used someone’s avatar to support the copyright protest – not sure where the hell i stand now! 9:31 AM Feb 19th from web
debasispradhan Someone please tell those people who say “never in your wildest dreams” that they really underestimate the wildness of my dreams! 9:53 AM Feb 19th from web
afirmin @clarocada is an intelligent man,Digital biographer he must be a fan,4 you don’t become an author of note,Unless many insights u have wrote 10:00 AM Feb 19th from TweetDeck
jake Just brought some pirate water. For £1.20 it better at least have essence of pirate. 1:23 PM Feb 19th from twitterrific
swardley @ewanspence: Summarise quantitative easing? How about “An economic laxative. Avoid use when you’re already in the toilet.” 1:29 PM Feb 19th from web
jimwolffman Why Do Some Marketing Materials Use Capitals For Every Fucking Word? Do They Think We Are Stupid. 5:07 PM Feb 19th from twhirl
frontofficebox Yesterday we had an article on breakfast TV about life coaches – for Cats. Meanwhile the world’s economy is in the crapper WTF 7:44 PM Feb 19th from TweetDeck
lxcoza Avoid jet lag by simply taking an earlier flight, thus arriving fullyrefreshed and on time – Viz 9:27 PM Feb 20th from web
John_Taylor I’m not saying it’s cold this morning, but I saw a lawyer with his hands in his OWN pockets! :-0 9:14 AM Feb 23rd from TweetDeck
alisongow Someone just used the phrase ‘product roadmap’ in cold blood. Good grief… 9:44 AM Feb 23rd from TweetDeck
patrick “Schiphol airport is closed due to a problem with an inbound flight.” I’m in the plane an via Twitter I see there is a crash! 9:46 AM Feb 25th from twitterrific
dotSno Honest, interesting and informed report from traditional media on Twitter reporting of #Schiphol plane crash http://bit.ly/B1zHB4:23 PM Feb 25th from web
jdlasica@jeffjarvis You may want to bone up on some grand Shakespearean tragedies when discussing fate of newspapers .9:42 PM Feb 25th from web
jasontryfon Amsterdam Plane Crash: Further Proof Twitter & Social Media Have Overtaken Traditional Media Sources: http://bit.ly/9nOZN9:55 PM Feb 25th from TweetDeck
mariaschneider RT @rskloot WTF?! Amazon charging $ for each blog read on Kindle (incl my blog and many friends’). No $ to bloggers? Hello, copyright issue? 9:57 PM Feb 25th from web
davewiner I thought at first I’d have to pay to read my own blog, but it’s even worse. They don’t *have* my blog on it. That is soooo damned rude. 10:07 PM Feb 25th from web
GeoffLiving This post is 18 mos old on social media control. Still as prescient as the day I wrote it. http://tinyurl.com/c8afc310:18 PM Feb 25th from web
jonathanfields “I have been through some terrible things in my life, some of which actually happened.” – Mark Twain 10:49 PM Feb 25th from TweetDeck
angellr What does a Drunken Sailor and the Government have in common? The sailor eventually runs out of $$$ and can’t print more!!! 10:58 PM Feb 25th from TweetDeck
JasonCalacanis @gapingvoid glad to hear you’re off the sauce and cancer sticks… will bring cigars and scotch with me to SXSW! :-) 7:41 AM Feb 26th from web
ewanmcintosh Just seen naked woman jump into Water of Leith screaming at her/a guy before running after him in badly fastened trench coat. 7:45 AM Feb 26th from mobile web
Scobleizer The public fight focuses on fact that Twitter has some deep problems that the rest of the world will hit soon (and is already hitting). 7:59 AM Feb 26th from web
alisongow There are 100+ phones in the newsroom yet the only one that rings is on the desk next to mine. I am Rosemary the sodding Telephone Operator 3:52 PM Feb 26th from TweetDeck
joeslaughter My 6 yo is worried about classmate-she is too perfect. Thinks she may be another lifeform in costume – Maybe stop the science fiction games. 4:41 PM Feb 26th from web
Aubs Thinking of swapping my Lenten sacrifice and instead giving up all the half-assed guys in my life. DEFINITELY a fair trade for caffeine. 9:38 PM Feb 26th from web
stewarttownsend #fridaynews off to get some quality virgin train food, oh the excitement is so much, I may implode on myself 2:38 PM Feb 27th from TweetDeck
EverywhereTrip Oh man this is going to suck. I’m stuck in no bandwidth-ville and am going to have to do major surgery on my website 9:01 PM Feb 27th from TweetDeck
novaspivack Twine will be available shortly. It is becoming sentient right now :) 3:41 PM Feb 28th from TweetDeck
Kevin_McIntosh_ Has a bank ever bailed you out of a jam? 3:45 PM Feb 28th from web
Avinio RT @tojulius: hey event people, twitter is not gonna change your business, you need to change it first then twitter will help a lot 4:16 PM Feb 28th from TweetDeck

Awesome facebook status

2010-05-04T23:25:00.000-07:00

…is A) Crazy, B) Drunk, C) Delirious, or D) All of the above.
…is A) Hot, B) Cool, C) Lukewarm, or D) Sub-zero
…is the only male/female left on earth. What would you do?
…should get A) a haircut, B) a tattoo, C) a piercing, or D) all of the above.
…should get A) an afro, B) dreadlocks, C) a mullet, or D) a moptop.
…is thinking about learning a new language. Suggestions are welcome.
…is at your house.
…grants you ONE wish…
…changed his/her status update just to see your reaction
…is playing hide-and-seek.

Motivational Facebook Status Updates!

2010-05-04T23:23:00.000-07:00

“Every Once in a While we find that One Song which Understands us Perfectly…”
If takers give more and givers take more… a lot of the problems would be solved! It’s all about balance!
This is so true: You talk when you cease to be at peace with your thoughts. -Khalil Gibran
Don’t take life too seriously!! and don’t worry about what’s hidden for u in the future.. always remember, it just can’t get worse!! :)
Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment ~ Buddha
Like it or not, this is the new game rules!!!!
To be old and wise, you must have first been young and stupid !!!
Good friends are like stars, you don’t always see them, but you know they are always there..
The northern lights are dancing in a brilliant green across the sky…
Expecting life to treat you well because you are a good person is like expecting an angry bull not to charge because you are a vegetarian.– Shari R. Barr
Good memories should never be forgotten……
A sponge and a sieve.. Both there, only one to receive.. Holds within, the other without..
I don’t believe in the easy way out, but rather the smarter way out…
Death is not the greatest loss in life. The greatest loss is what dies inside us while we live!!!!
I’ve used up all my sick days, so tomorrow I’m calling in dead. lol
What’s the best way to stop domestic violence? Do as you are told. lol
Don’t go the way life takes you, take the life the way you go. And remember you are born to live & not living because you are born. Have a nice day !!
A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who never owned a car!
When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always! Rita Rudner
At the end everything falls right into place :)

More funny facebood updates

2010-04-22T23:30:00.000-07:00

is wondering if they could invent a self cleaning oven, why can't they invent a self cleaning house?
says watch out causeI know karate...and 7 other Japanese words!
thinking its funny how,When people talk to God, it's called prayer. When God talks back, it's called schizophrenia !!!
will not be responsible for her actions if she doesn't get some chocolate soon
is playing loud music to keep from hearing her own thoughts
is pretending that she doesn't exist
I am a bomb technician. If you see me running, try to keep up
First the engagement ring, then the wedding ring, then the suffering
is thinking about doing something! Now just got to think what that something will be!!!
you know you are having a bad day, when the bird singing outside your window is a vulture

wonders if there is a cure for "dumbassness" if so, I know a few people who need a dose.
says I'm tired of chasing my dreams, I'm just going to ask them where their going and meet them there later.
you know you need to get a life when you've just spent half an hour compulsively rearranging your trees in Farmville.
had a brief but terrifying bout of sanity, but everything is back to normal now.
is riding a pink giraffe wearing her underpants and a top hat
is on strike! she will not be talking to anyone, until her demands are met. she wants a baby monkey and an army of Scottish squirrels!
Alcohol doesn't solve any problems, but then again, neither does milk
would like a refund on this life.
if you cant laugh at yourself, ill be happy to do it for you
Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent

standing on her front lawn with her pants down waiting for Google Earth to come by and take her picture..

is trying to keep her eyes open when she sneezes
has just had Guinness Book of Records on the phone, they want to measure my ironing pile..
If my house is clean, it means that Facebook is broken
I'm telepathically cleaning my house! So if you're really nice to me, maybe I'll "think" about cleaning yours too!
is offering her children on buy 1 get 1 free
wonders if fish ever get thirsty???
is now on two diets...because she was still hungry after just one
is going into hibernation...call me when it's safe to come out
wonders if we ain't meant to have midnight snacks why is there a light in the refrigerator?
is caffeinating.

fun facebook status

2010-04-22T23:28:00.000-07:00

used to have no life. Now I have a laptop and Facebook!
knows she's bored when she has thoughts of what the cat would look like shaved !!
is trying to decide if she has an attitude problem today, or not.
I'm actually quite pleasant until I'm awake
giving "the silent treatment" only matters to those who want to hear what you have to say.
secretly stalks slimey children's toys
wonders whether he'll ever see psychedelic cowboy boots
is eating a hearty meal of spectacular hair implants
is trying to sell a useless set of feelings
obsesses over spectacular slam dunks

Awesome facebook status

2010-04-22T23:26:00.000-07:00

Dave reckons anti-wrinkle cream doesn't work. If it did, women wouldn't have any fingerprints.

Katie will one day get even... with all the people that have helped her.

Dave Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.

Katie People who live in stone houses shouldn't throw glasses.

Dave Statistically, 132% of all people exaggerate.

Katie Statistically 5/4 of people have trouble with fractions.

Dave I hear there is scientific proof that birthdays are good for you... the more you have the longer you live.

Katie I just read a list of 'the 100 things to do before you die'. I'm pretty surprised 'yell for help' wasn't one of them...

Dave I've always wondered if film directors wake up screaming "CUT! CUT! CUUUUUT!" when they have nightmares.

Katie TEIAM - problem solved

Dave never questions authority, he annoys authority. More effect, less effort.

Katie never judges a book by its cover. She uses the paragraph on the back, it tells you what the story is about.

Dave Top Tip Of The Week: When going through airport customs and you are asked "do you have any firearms with you?" do not reply "what do you need?"

Hilarious facebook status updates

2010-04-22T23:24:00.000-07:00

Dave People reckon I'm too patronising (that means I treat them as if they're stupid).

Katie Have you ever had a fly or small bug land on your computer screen and your first reaction is to try and scare it with the cursor?

Dave I have an oven with a 'stop time' button. It's probably meant to be 'stop timer' but I don't touch it, just in case.

Katie It recently became apparent to me that the letters 'T' and 'G' are far too close together on a keyboard. This is why I'll never be ending an e-mail with the phrase "Regards" ever again.

Dave How To Be A Hero tip: When destroying the enemy be sure to kill all the criminals in reverse order of importance before confronting the kingpin himself.

Katie went to the book store earlier to buy a 'Where's Wally' book. When I got there, I couldn't find the book anywhere. Well played Wally, well played.

Dave Don't waste money on expensive ipods. Simply think of your favourite tune and hum it. If you want to "switch tracks", think of another song you like and hum that instead.

Katie What do we want? PROCRASTINATION! When do we want it?... Next week.

Dave My wife said I'm too immature and if I don't grow up it's going to erect a barrier between us. Ha ha ha, erect.

Katie Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarfs aren't happy.

Dave Hi, my name is Damimeve. The 'mime' is silent.

Katie got her test results back this morning and is shocked to find that she's been diagnosed with OCD. She's rung the doctors nine times to check if they're correct.

best facebook status

2010-04-22T23:22:00.000-07:00

Dave Whoever says Paper beats Rock is an idiot. Next time I see someone say that I will throw a rock at them while they hold up a sheet of paper

Katie "Good morning...I see the assassins have failed."

Dave is cleaning out his medicine cabinet of expired prescriptions with a glass of water and several mystery pills at a time.

Katie Be nice to nerds, Chances are you will be working for them.

Dave is normally not a praying man, but if you're up there, please save me Superman.

Katie is experiencing life at a rate of several wtf's a minute

Dave just received a coupon in the mail: Buy one sock, get one FREE! While socks last.

Katie would rather check her facebook than face her checkbook.

Dave believes that if you tell your boss what you really think of him, the truth will set you free.

Katie ¡ǝɯıʇ ǝɯɐs ǝɥʇ ʇɐ ʞooqǝɔɐɟ ǝsn puɐ puɐʇspuɐɥ ɐ op ʎןןɐuıɟ uɐɔ

Dave Got out of jury duty by prefacing every answer with "according to the prophecy"

Katie is Loading ████████████ 99%

Funny facebook status

2010-04-22T23:21:00.000-07:00

Dave feels like getting some work done...and so he is sitting down until the feeling passes.

Katie used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she's good at everything.

Dave is color blind and trying to solve a rubiks cube... This could take a while...

Katie dreams of a better world...where chickens can cross the road without having their motives questioned :0)

Dave says my computer just beat me at chess...but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

Katie is cle'a]ni.ng he'r ke]yb29oa;rd

Dave is wondering why his daughter's diaper holds no where near the 22-37 pounds it promises.

Katie is proud of herself. She finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6 months and the box said 2-4 years.

Dave doesn't suffer from insanity... he enjoys every minute of it.

Katie ║▌║█║▌║▌││║▌║█║▌│║▌║█║▌║▌││║▌║ *ZAP* *BEEP* Price: $7.95

Dave is wondering where noah kept woodpeckers on his ark

Katie thinks that if your relationship status says, "It's complicated" that you should stop kidding yourself and change it to "Single"

Dave before you use the bathroom in someones house make sure you check they have toilet paper!!

15 Status Updates about Facebook

2009-10-16T00:28:00.000-07:00

About Facebook pokes:

just poked with the wrong marine
would not have poked [insert name] if he/she knew he/she could only poke him/her once
pokes her, gently
is getting ready for the SuperPoke!
has a sore finger from poking

Status updates about status updates:

is already thinking about his/her next status update
is offering his/her services as your status update ghost writer
is wondering if this status update is really about him/her
has just submitted a new status update and you’re reading it

About Facebook photos:

IZ IN UR FB ALBUMS WATCHIN UR FOTOS
browsing his photo archives for drunk pictures to tag you in
just tagged you, you’re it!
just wrote on your wall with a big, fat felt-tip

About Facebook in general:

is dreaming of himself/herself in third person since joining Facebook
is brought to you today by… Facebook!

Facebook Mafia Wars Cheat, Codes, Tricks and Hacks

2009-10-16T00:00:00.000-07:00

From the roaster list of Facebook Cheats, here comes the Mafia Wars Cheats. Few days ago I have featured here in my blog about the different cheats the online user use in playing games in the popular Facebook like the Restaurant City Cheats, Farmtown Cheats and Pet Society Cheats. Now if you also landed here for the Mafia War Cheat, cheat codes, tricks, tips and hacks, well go on reading this post.

USE MAFIA WARS AUTO PLAYER

Download and install Mozilla Firefox Browser
Install Greasemonkey Add-on for Firefox and here’s the link for Greasemonkey:

Hxttp://addons.mozilla.org/en-us/firefox/addon/748

Click on Add to Firefox and install the add-on and restart Firefox
Go to the hxttp://userscripts.org/scripts/show/43573 and click on Green Install button now to appear the window and click and install the button from the window
Login to Facebook and go to mafia wars and you will see some new link named Auto Play Settings

ADD MAFIA WITHOUT ADDING AS FRIEND

http://apps.facebook.com/inthemafia/remote/html_server.php?xw_controller=war&xw_action=add&xw_city=1&friend_id=%28insert”>http://apps.facebook.com/inthemafia/remote/html_server.php?xw_controller=war&xw_action=add&xw_city=1&friend_id=(insert 9 digit id number here)

Note: The 9 digit number is a player’s ID number

HOW TO INCREASE YOUR FAMILY WEALTH

Each boss will have different strategies for gaining and increasing wealth. In your early level of game, purchase properties with a low investment cost and decent return rate. If your money increase, purchase high end properties. Make sure your money flow is sufficient to cover the cost of high end weapons.

HOW TO GET ALL LOOTED ITEMS AND WEAPON IN MAFIA WARS CHEATS

The instruction is to do the following jobs to earn more scores in the items listed below.

Beat Up Rival Gangster (1e) = .22 Pistol (2A 0D)
Collect Protection Money (2e) = Butterfly Knife (2A 1D)
Rough Up Dealers (2e) = Brass Knuckles (2A 2D)
Rob a Pimp (3e) = .9mm Semi-Automatic (3A 2D)
Take Out a Rogue Cop (3e) = .45 Revolver (3A 2D)
Perform a Hit (3e) = Tactical Shotgun (3A 2D)
Destroy Enemy Mon Hideout (5e) = C-4 (5A 2D)
Kill a Protected Snitch (5e) = Stab-Proof Vest (2A 5D)
Bust a Made Man Out of Prison (5e) = Automatic Rifle (4A 4D)
Fight a Haitian Gang (6e) = Semi-Automatic Shotgun (5A 4D)
Smuggle Across The Border (7e) = Armored Truck (4A 8D)
Repel the Yakuza (13e) = Grenade Launcher (14A 10D)
Disrupt rival smuggling ring (15e) = 50 .50 Caliber Rifle (16A 11D)
Invade Tong-controlled Neighborhood (25e) = Armored Car (14A 15D)
Sell Guns To The Russian Mob (25e) = RPG Launcher (20A 12D)
Protect your City against a Rival Family (35e) = Bodyguards (8A 25D)
Assassinate a Political Figure (35e) = Night Vision Goggles (5A 16D)
Exterminate a Rival Family (40e) = Napalm Attack (25A 9D)

Farmville Cheats and Codes

2009-10-15T23:53:00.000-07:00

FarmVille is another popular game that is developed by the same publisher: Zynga. As far as I know, it is only available on Facebook, but would not be surprise that Zynga would be providing one for iPhone as well given the Mafia Wars populartiy there . Basically, Farmville lets you manage your own farm by rearing animals and growing vegetables and fruits. The two key objective is to build experience points so you can move ahead and to make money so you can build a better farm. FarmVille cheats codes exist online though most of them does not work. Some are definitely just cheats whereas others are strategies to make sure you level up faster and make money. Here is a number of them that you can try.

If you are looking for cheat codes here, good luck! We have not been able to find any and mostly what is out there are strategies to manage your farm better though there is always the good old method of changing the variable in your computer memory.

For the advance user who knows a thing or two about computers, memories, assembly code, etc, you can download the Cheat Engine. It is basically an open source tool that lets you modify games variables by scanning for variables within the game and allowing you to change stuff. It is not something that anyone should try. Also, depending on how the game is constructed, you may not be able to make a permanent change. For example, most of the stuff for FarmVille is stored on the servers and Cheat Engine changes the variables on the client computer. However, depending on how synchronization works, it can turn out that your FarmVille cheats go away when you close the browser.

FarmVille Cheats in Speeding up

This is for the advance user who knows how to do this sort of stuff. I would not recommend the amateur to do this as this requires you to have some fair knowledge of memory programming and hacking. Use Cheat Engine to modify the
speed.

FarmVille Cheats- The Gift that keeps on Giving
Try this though it may not work on every browser. Create an additional account (not your main one) which we call the giver. Using the giver account, right click on the "Gift" tab and then click on Open In New Browser. Open as many of this as you want. The, go to each open tab which essentially has the same screen and select the gifts you want. Please make sure you do that for each tab without confirming the selection. Then, go to each tab again and select your main account as the account to receive the gift. Again, the key is not to confirm anything. Once you are done, you can then click confirm and your main account should receive these gifts. Since gifts=money at some point, you would have created a way to earn unlimited amount of money though it is probably not as fast as doing it the honest way of planting and harvesting crops.

FarmVille cheats in getting coins
This is not really a cheat but The trick is really knowing which tree and animals give you the best bang for the buck. It is usually good to just sell the tree once they have gone through one harvest. This is because the initial gifts does not cost any coin, but then it later takes up too much space and so selling them immediately allows you to make some coins on 0 cost and then save the time since it takes some time for the next harvest. Also, you get the most coins when you plant versus rearing animals. Just like stock investing, you really want to diversity as the plants takes different amount of time to grow and harvest. By planting several crops, it allows you to have almost a constant supply of fresh crops ready for harvest so you are not just waiting around for crops to grow.

You should also know that crops just grow whether you are in front of the computer or not. So, do know the timing of each crop as you need to be able to harvest them within hours or they will start rotting and you do not want to waste time clearing rotting crops.

Strawberries are the cheapest and grows in about 4 hours. So, you may want to start your morning sowing some strawberry seeds and then log in 4 hours later to harvest it. This is the crop you get started with when you start playing FarmVille, but it is not necessarily the best crop to plant since they can spoil very quickly which means you would have wasted all your money trying to plant the crop.

FarmVille cheats in a farm on auto pilot mode
If you do not have much time to work on a farm, yet want a stable cash flow, you may want to make decisions on the kind of tree you want to plant. Fruit trees last longer and allows you to sell the fruits for money. The problem is that they take up space, are expensive to buy and the fruits does not sell for a lot of money. In other words, your return on investment is not the best here. However, if you do not have time anyway, this may be the best for you. Otherwise, you can also invest in animals where you can get milk from the cows, eggs from the duck, etc and make some small cash flow with it. Unlike crops which is time critical, food from the animals never really spoil and so you are not tied to returning to your computer to try to manage it.

So, most of the Farmville cheats you find online are really not cheats, but just smarters ways to make more money and level up in experience points. Using the Cheat Engine is probably your best bet to quickly change a number in memory.

Facebook Party Status Updates

2009-10-15T23:45:00.000-07:00

is coming out so you better get this party started!
is pumping up the jam!
wants to jump up, jump up and get down!
is getting jiggy with it!
is fighting for his/her right to party!
has got a 100 dollar bill and puts his/her hands up!
is spending his/her jukebox money!
is freeeeee to feel good!
is jumping, jumping!
can’t wait for the weekend to begin!
feels like the music sounds better with you.
can’t touch this!
is gonna leave the 9-to-5 up on the shelf, and just enjoy himself/herself!
is going from disco to disco, town across town because everybody is trying to get down.
is a superstar dj, here we go!
is putting on his/her red shoes to dance.
wants to dance with somebody, wants to feel the heat with somebody
will make you… *jump* *jump*
is gonna celebrate, oh yeah, don’t stop the dancing, one more time!
is gonna put a record on and wants to dance with his/her baby.
wants to take you to funky town!
will rock you!
is ready, is ready for the floor!
wants to be dancing all night long so come on dj, play that song!
will get up, get up, get busy, get up and move that body (before the night is over).
will roooock to the beat, roooock to the beat.
is getting down, down down do-down, get, get, down, down down do-down…
’s groove is in the heart.
is the funk soul brother!
is gonna party like it’s 1999!
is ringing the alarm and throwing elbows.
wants to get dirrty (that’s my jam).
is gonna rock around the clock tonight.

Funny Facebook statuses that will trigger Comments

2009-10-15T23:41:00.000-07:00

...is A) Crazy, B) Drunk, C) Delirious, or D) All of the above.
…is A) Hot, B) Cool, C) Lukewarm, or D) Sub-zero
…is the only male/female left on earth. What would you do?
…should get A) a haircut, B) a tattoo, C) a piercing, or D) all of the above.
…should get A) an afro, B) dreadlocks, C) a mullet, or D) a moptop.
…is thinking about learning a new language. Suggestions are welcome.
…is at your house.
…grants you ONE wish…
…changed his/her status update just to see your reaction
…is playing hide-and-seek.

ASCII graphics for Facebook Comments

2009-10-15T23:27:00.000-07:00

To use these simply highlight them with your cursor then right click “Copy” and then right-click “Paste” it wherever you want it to go!

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,,,,,,,,,,,,#######,,,,,,,,
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,,,,,,,,,,#########,,,,,,
,,,,,,,,,##########,,,,,
,,,,,,,,###########,,,,
,,,,,,,##,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,##,,,,
,,,,,,,##,,,HAPPY,,,,##,,,,
,,,,,,,##,,,,21st,,,,,,##,,,,
,,,,,,,##,,BIRTHDAY,##,,,,
,,,,,,,##,,,,!!!!!!!,,,,##,,,,
,,,,,,,##,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,##,,,,
,,,,,,,##,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,##,,,,
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Time to Get DRUNK!!!!!!!!

Dragon:

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iPod:

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u^ M  Extras                   >  H  ,

u^ M                              H  ,

u^ M  Settings                 >  H  ,

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u^^M  Shuffle Songs            >  H  ^

u^^M                              H  ^

X^^M  Backlight                >  H  ^

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AC/DC:

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/   \   /   \     \     /       / /        /        /      \     /

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Calvin:

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Intelligent facebook status about life

2009-09-14T21:49:00.000-07:00

1. Life is like a beautiful melody, only the lyrics are messed up.

2. Life is like playing a violin in public and learning the instrument as one goes on.

3. Do not take life too seriously; you will never get out of it alive.

4. Life is like an onion. Why is life like an onion? Because you peel away layer after layer and when you come to the end you have nothing.

5. You live and you learn or you don’t live long.

6. Life is an incurable disease.

7. There is time for work. And time for love. That leaves no other time.

8. Life is something to do when you can’t get to sleep.

9. My advice to those who are about to begin, in earnest, the journey of life, is to take their heart in one hand and a club in the other.

10. The trouble with life is that there are so many beautiful women and so little time.

How to tag friends in your Facebook status

2009-09-14T21:35:00.000-07:00

You can now tag friends & Pages in status updates on Facebook Ex: tag your friend in your post. To tag Mary, start the post with @Mary (a drop down menu will appear so you can select which Mary - This is nice because if you use twitter you have to hope you remembered thier name correctly this feature helps you by providing choices.)

Here’s how it works: when writing a status update in the publisher, users can tag connections by using the “@” symbol, just like on Twitter. Facebook pops up a dropdown menu that allows users to select any friend, Page, group, or event. When a friend, Page, etc, is tagged, that shows up on their wall. When you’re tagged, a notification is sent to you as well, and you can remove tags of yourself in others’ posts.

What is great is that Facebook is enabling status tagging for all of a user’s Facebook connections – not just friends, but Pages, groups, and events as well. This means Page managers will now have a great new resource for tracking comments and feedback about their brand or business. Up until now, brands have been able to track posts and comments made on their Facebook Page directly by fans, as well as search public comments made by Facebook users through Facebook’s new real time search.

As of today, all @ tags will appear on the wall of the Page as well, even though users never visited the Page. The same applies to event and group administrators as well. That’s a big deal for Page administrators hoping to gain more insight into how they’re being talked about inside Facebook.

100 Funny Facebook Statuses

2009-09-09T15:36:00.000-07:00

trying to find the balance between confidence and humility
so busy doing nothing that the idea of doing anything, which always leads to something, cuts into the nothing and then forces him to have to drop everything
not a heavy drinker - he can sometimes go for hours without touching a drop
just a normal boy that sank when he fell overboard
suiting up for a board meeting at the capitol
gonna drive so f—ing far away that he’ll never cross your mind
avoiding cliches like the plague
able to resist everything but temptation
fed up with Indian Givers…no, wait, he takes that back
drinking himself to a slow death, but then, he’s in no hurry
wanting to broaden his horizons
beating his previous record for number of consecutive days he’s been alive
proofreading carefully to see if he any words out
gifted like Christmas
putting in an application to be Stephen Colbert’s new black friend
in the Guinness Book of World-f***ing-Records, man… under “Raddest F***ing Dude Alive”!
…Actually, if you loved him, you’d already know
going offloading
getting paid to sit at home
daydreaming about night things in the middle of the afternoon
masticating
just like the earth - bipolar
keeping it to a minimum
in misery…Missouri
wishing everyone a crappy criticism-taking…no, that’s not right…a happy thanksgiving.
made with love
gonna procrastinate later
wishing he was an oscar meyer…um…hot dog
too close for missiles, he’s switching to guns
easy like Sunday morning
learning sex education by braille
committing pesticide
taking suggestions on when/if he should throw a Christmas party
playing musical electric chairs
pissed off at Suddenlink
a mystery wrapped in an enigma
partly cloudy with a 30% chance of rain
apparently a scary and intimidating person
either gonna do this the easy way or the hard way. You decide!
gonna rock this bitch!
one bad mutha…shut yo mouth!
keeping his hands and feet inside the car until it comes to a full and complete stop
the yelp of a puppy after you take it out of the microwave
the click of an empty chamber when it’s your turn at russian roulette
so bush league
coming down with fridayitis
bottling his anger. He heard he could sell it on ebay
attending a meeting at the capitol. When will all the meetings stop!?!
arguing with himself, and losing
charming. His fortune cookie told him so
kind of a big deal. People know him
gonna turn this car right around if you don’t start behaving!
always finishing everything he…
one step closer to the edge, and he’s about to break
rubber and you’re glue…
a member of the jehovah’s witness protection program
addicted to placebos
not delivery, he’s digiorno
not made of sugar and spice even though he is everthing nice
a recovering workaholic
a scientist!
putting the laughter back in slaughter
gonna get tingly…really tingly
admiring that final nail in the coffin
pretty much going moment to moment right now…Wingin’ it, really
cool because he knows an egyptian
makin’ the bars lots of big money and helping white people dance
tired of being an instigator
kid tested, mother approved
filmed in front of a live studio audience
unique, just like everyone else
40% alcohol by volume
killing 2 stones with 1 bird
going to be a very sore individual
giving away a special prize to caller number 1
having the week from hell…make that weeks
holding back a trigger finger that’s itchier than chicken pox
going fishin’ in the dark, lying on his back and countin’ the stars
into fairly obscure quotes.
an alcoholic, not barbie!
a lion!
whiter than sour cream
running a fever and the only prescription is more cowbell
loose-lipped and sinking ships
the wind beneath your wings
on the corner of Walk and Don’t Walk
everywhere. He’s like the wind
live from New York. It’s Saturday Night!
brought to you by the letter M
wondering, “What would those guys at Hornstein do?”
a giver
still living with your ghost…lonely and dreaming of the west coast.
shaking you alllll niiiiight loooong
always greener on the other side
going without alcohol for the month of September (barring the Labor Day weekend party)
busy playing with his new DVR
finally connected to the world again!
now up to 700 gigs of at-home storage capacity
surrounded by frickin’ idiots
new and improved
going anorexic

How to insert Facebook symbols

2009-09-01T20:34:00.000-07:00

How to insert Facebook symbols?

Desktop computer instructions

Press and hold left Alt key on your keyboard.
While holding Alt key enter one of the codes below to get the corresponding symbol.
Important note: You need to use numbers on the right side of the keyboard for entering code, not the numbers on top, otherwise they won't work.

Laptop instructions

Press and hold left Alt key on your keyboard.
While holding Alt key also press and hold Fn key.
While holding Alt and Fn key enter one of the codes below to get corresponding symbol.
Important note: You need to use numbers on the right side of the keyboard for entering code (they are usually written next to letters U, I, O... and in different color), not the numbers on top, otherwise they won't work.

Your browser does not support IFrames

code	symbol
1	☺
2	☻
3	♥
4	♦
5	♣
6	♠
7	•
8	◘
9	○
10	◙
11	♂
12	♀
13	♪
14	♫
15	☼
16	►
17	◄
18	↕
19	‼
20	¶

Easiest way to use this symbols is to select symbol with mouse and then right-click the selected symbol and click Copy. After that go to your Facebook, right-click on the field where you wish symbol to be inserted and click Paste.

Facebook related funny statuses

2009-08-13T20:14:00.001-07:00

Ben wrote on your wall. Now you need to repaint your wall.

Ben thinks your fuckable. send ben a fuck?

Ben joined the group “kill all small furry and cute animals”. remove ben as friend?

Ben monitors your every status change vehemently.

Ben sent you a gift that didn’t cost him a penny. Doesn’t that destroy the main idea of a gift?

Ben changed his profile picture. Now he looks a little less ugly.

Ben was tagged in a picture. Ben added a comment “that’s not me”. Cindey added a comment “then who is it next to the girl in the bikini?” Ben changed his relationship status to single.

Ben wrote on your funwall “your no fun”.

Ben added the “are you interested in a stalker” application

Ben joined facebook. Ben sent 34,123 flirts. Ben left facebook.

Ben commented on his photo “you are amazing”

Ben is staring at his facebook waiting for messages to arrive.

Fucked up Facebook Status

2009-08-13T16:54:00.000-07:00

1. Ben is a tiger. grrrr (walls shaking over awsome tigernesness.)

2. Ben is beeeeeing in the momenttttttt. the repetition of the letters is a representation of that

3. Ben is the dark knight

Ben is attending the “2nd Tel Aviv nudist model party”. Weren’t you invited?

Ben is fucking his GF and thinking of your mother. Wait. he don’t got no GF, it is your mom

Ben is being himself. He can really do better
Ben has woken up in a garbage can covered with his own vomit. why am I telling you this?

Ben commented on everyone’s facebook photos – it’s booring

Ben is masturbating to your sister’s profile photo

Absurd Facebook Status

2009-08-13T16:51:00.000-07:00

ben laughs at people who put vague facebook statuses that are written to get comments. something like: “Yeah, alright!” – it’s like they are writing “please ask me why I am happy”

Ben Pines took the “Are you spending too much time in Facebook” quiz and the result is “No – You should spend much more time”. Ben shot the computer.

Ben gave the “Which type of woman are you?” quiz and the result is: Ma’ Kind Baby!

Ben is very confused about yesterday. I do love shrimp! getting frustrated with waiting for the answer. (this is a example of an obscure secret facebook status, which is written for a girl that doesn’t answer your calls, and causes all people other than her to go – “huh??” after reading it)

Ben went from being “single” to “super single sad and lonely”.

Ben wonders what will happen when polish mothers start reading facebook statuses : “What do you mean you feel lonely? Your father and I are very worried…”

Ben is benning the benny ben with the help of his close ben.

Ben is having a party in his pants.
Ben has found love in facebook. She is from bangladesh and “wan day will reash amehica”.
Ben has just made love with a sheep and hope it doesn’t reach facebook.

Ben owns youtube, facebook, gmail, messenger and microsoft office. Now will you go out with me?

Ben urges you to twitter right!

Really funny one (said in a french accent): Ben wants to know if you recognize that youtube low for men. (sounds like “you too blow for men”).

Ben’s mom asked to clean his email account. he answered: “Gee, ma, I’ll do it later!” it sounded like “G-ma-il do it later!”

Ben has a messege to messenger – stop appearing automatically when I start my computer!

Ben logged in and saw you logged in. Then I logged off and logged in 2 hours again – you were still logged in. Get A Life! … OK yeah I was logged in all this time too. (feel shame)

Ben has just commented on you stats 3 minutes ago

intelligent funny facebook status quotes

2009-08-13T15:03:00.000-07:00

saw a guy at a party wearing a leather jacket and he thought, ‘That is cool.’ But then he saw another guy wearing a leather vest and he thought, ‘That is not cool’. Then he figured it out: ‘Cool’ is all about leather sleeves.

likes fruit baskets because it gives you the ability to mail someone a piece of fruit without appearing insane. Like, if someone just mailed you an apple you’d be like ‘Huh? What the hell is this?’, but if it’s in a fruit basket you’re like ‘This is nice!

feels stupid when he writes the word banana. Its like, how many na’s are on this thing? ‘Cause I’m like ‘Bana … keep going. Bananana … damn.

wants to make a jigsaw puzzle that’s 40,000 pieces. And when you finish it, it says ‘go outside.’

wonders what the word for dots looks like in braille

was at his friend’s birthday and he was mad at him, so he sent him a card. It said happy birthday, but he put quotes around the word “Happy”… sarcastic birthday, douchebag.

loving and hating facebook -On the downside, it’s loaded with sexual predators. On the plus side, it’s also loaded with sexual prey.

went into a clothes store and a lady came up to him and said “if you need anything, I’m Jill”. he’s never met anyone with a conditional identity before.

’s favorite fruit is grapes. Because with grapes, you always get another chance. ‘Cause, you know, if you have a crappy apple or a peach, you’re stuck with that crappy piece of fruit. But if you have a crappy grape, no problem – just move on to the next. ‘Grapes: The Fruit of Hope.

was making pancakes the other day and a fly flew into the kitchen. And that’s when he realized that a spatula is a lot like a fly-swatter. And a crushed fly is a lot like a blueberry. And a roommate is a lot like a fly eater.

used to play sports. Then he realized you can buy trophies. Now he’s good at everything.

cool facebook status

2009-08-13T15:00:00.000-07:00

before name speaks, name has something important to say.

name didn’t like the play, but then he did see it under adverse conditions – the curtain was up.

name doesn’t care to belong to a club that accepts people like him as members.

name finds television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, he goes into the other room and read a book.

name has a mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it.

name has had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn’t it.

name intends to live forever, or die trying.

name must confess, he was born at a very early age.

name never forgets a face, but in your case he’ll be glad to make an exception.

name remembers the first time he had sex – he kept the receipt.

name was married by a judge. he should have asked for a jury.

name worked his way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.

name is not feeling very well - he need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course.

name has the brain of a four year old. i’ll bet he was glad to be rid of it.

name is hugging you so close – any closer he would be on the other side of you.

name is telling a story. If you’ve heard this story before, don’t stop him, because he’d like to hear it again.

name doesn’t want to get marries. Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?

name promises if you marry him he will never look at another horse.

name is contemplating: No man goes before his time – unless the boss leaves early.

name shot an elephant in his pajamas. How he got into his pajamas he’ll never know.

name loves dogs: Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog it’s too dark to read.

name got her looks from her father. He’s a plastic surgeon.

name has told you his principles, and if you don’t like them… well, he has others.

name is sure that a four-year-old child could understand this report. Run out and find him a four-year-old child. he can’t make jack shit out of it.

Facebook Manners And You

2009-08-12T19:17:00.000-07:00

100 Funniest Status Updates on Facebook

2009-08-08T22:14:00.000-07:00

Facebook’s Top 100 Funniest Status Updates.

Compiled from spending way too much time on the internet. In no order! Credits at bottom

1. Jonk is [this comment has been removed due to legal action by the Church of Scientology]

2. Jonk is on a 90-day diet. So far I’ve lost 45 days.

3. Jonk is crying for no particular reason other than the fact that my cat spontaneously combusted.

4. Jonk is is out clubbing this weekend. im going to break my record of 12 baby seals

5. Jonk is “in your face book account, deleting your friends”

6. Jonk is about to stick a pin in your voodoo doll… brace yourself..

7. Jonk joined facebook. Jonk sent 34,123 flirts. Jonk left facebook.

8. Jonk has almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left him before they met.

9. Jonk is wondering about the speed of dark?

10. Jonk is wondering how do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?

11. Jonk is running out of places to hide the bodies…

12. Jonk tried to join a tourette’s support group and they told me to piss off

13. Jonk got thrown out of the casino last night due to possible misinterpretation of the term “craps table”

14. Jonk is getting a grip on reality..and choking it to death

15. Jonk - if money doesn’t grow on trees then why do banks have branches?

16. Jolene is the girl next door…if you live next door to a whore house…

17. Jonk is “beating cancer, and by cancer he means children.”

18. Jonk doesn’t want to achieve immortality through his work… Jonk wants to achieve it through not dying.

19. Jonk places his boss under a pedestal.

20. Jonk is sure he has a photographic memory. He just doesn’t have film.

21. Jonk is using his iShin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

22. Jonk is thinking to join the army - join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.

23. Jonk just got scared half to death twice

24. Jonk used to have an open mind but his brains kept falling out.

25. Jonk wants a meaningful overnight relationship.

26. Jonk is having an excellent adventure with Bill and Ted

27. Jonk has so many facebook friends that any new applicants have to sit through a three stage interview process.

28. Jonk is putting the pro into procrastination

29. Jonk is more frustrated than an Amish electrician

30. Jonk puts the laughter in manslaughter

31. Jonk puts the FUN in dysfunctional

32. Jonk is snail mailing a snail. Just to say I did it.

33. Jonk - easier said than done…

34. Jonk is wondering if a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

35. Jonk - now available in widescreen

36. Jonk wants to make a jigsaw puzzle that’s 40,000 pieces. And when you finish it, it says ‘get a life”

37. Jonk is planning to be spontaneous tomorrow.

38. Jonk is thinking Pandora didn’t think outside the box.

39. Jonk is trying to think of clever things to say after inhaling from a helium balloon.

40. Jonk is revoking your creative license.

41. Jonk puts the pro in procrastinate

42. Jonk says, do me a favor, and don’t do me anymore favors!

43. Jonk is amazed at the alarming drop-out rate of sky diving classes.

44. Jonk has 20/20 hearing!

45 Jonk - so poor he can’t even give you his two cents!

46. Jonk is so poor that he can’t even afford to pay attention.

47. Jonk is so broke that he’s going to KFC to lick other peoples fingers.

48. Jonk is wondering “if swimming is good for your figure, then why are whales so damn fat..?

49. Jonk intends to live forever, so far so good…

50. Jonk tired of his probation officer’s bad attitude…

51. Jonk is two with nature

52. Jonk spend less money doing laundry this year and more money on deodorant.

53. Jonk wants to romantically wish you a happy valentines day…via facebook status…cuz you wont return my phone calls…

54. Jonk’s girlfriend came home from work crying yesterday and asked me to console her. So I hit her over the head with my Playstation.

55. Jonk - Love is grand; divorce is a hundred grand.

56. Jonk - My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you has screwed up my life.

57. Jonk says: that nothing shouts “I love you” more than somebody Else’s creativity widely distributed on recycled paper.

58. Jonkette is: eating and extravagant assortment of valentines day chocolates…she bought for herself…

59. Jonk: I see your face when I am dreaming.
That’s why I always wake up screaming.

60. Jonk says: every moment i’m with you I want to walk in front of a bus…HAPPY Valentines Day…

61. Jonk wonders what will happen when Polish mothers start reading facebook statuses : “What do you mean you feel lonely? Your father and I are very worried…”

62. Jonk logged in and saw you logged in. Then I logged off and logged in 2 hours again - you were still logged in. Get A Life! … OK yeah I was logged in all this time too. (feel shame)

63. Jonk is just two away from a threesome

64. Jonk is “added new photos to the album “”Porn”"

65. Jonk is stimulating his package

67. Jonk is brought to you by the letters W T F

68. Jonk is not scared of heights…. just widths

69. Jonk is about to mail my check for $1500 to nigeria for the $15million lottery i just won! Cya later SUCKAS!!

70. Jonk always asks himself: “What would Gandalf do”?

71. Jonk says ignorance is bliss, but on Youtube it’s a prerequisite.

72. Jonk says that just because nobody understands you, doesn’t make you an artist.

73. Jonk - pardon me but your status is showing

74. Jonk hates people that take drugs… customs for example

75. Jonk can only please one person a day. Today’s not your day… tomorrow’s not looking good either.

76. Jonk says a train station is where the train stops. A bus station is where the bus stops. On my desk, I have a work station…

77. Jonk cant understand why constipated people dont give a crap

78. Jonk would give his right arm to be ambidextrous

79. Jonk says without ME you’re just AWESO

80. Jonk wonders if theres another word for “thesaurus”

81. Jonk would have sent you some virtual chocolates but he virtually ate them all.

82. Jonk says 4/3 of americans has trouble with fractions.

83. Jonk is a secret agent…oh crap.

84. Jonk says silence is golden but duct tape is silver

85. Jonkette told her husband he is like a fine wine and just gets better with age…that is why he is locked in the basement.

86. Jonk grew up on the street………………..Sesame Street….

87. Jonk is thinking the worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades

88. Jonk says my computer just beat me at chess…but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

89. Jonk knows that there are 3 kinds of people on facebook, Those who can count and those who can’t.

90. Jonk thinks there are 10 kinds of people in the world: those that understand binary and those that don’t.

91. Jonk why is it that whenever there’s two women in a profile pic the hot one is someone else..?

92. Jonk is the reason Wally is hiding

93. Jonk never finishes wat he sta

94. Jonk is proof reading to make sure he hasn’t any words out.

95. Jonk is loving the smell of napalm in the morning.

96. Jonk is an unlicensed helicopter pilot

97. Jonk can increase your penis size by 30%!!!!

98. Jonk is planning to quit the day he gets fired.

99. Jonk’s vocabulary is as bad as, like, whatever

100. Jonk once killed 2 stones with one bird.

Funny Chuck Norris Like Status Updates

2009-08-05T16:02:00.000-07:00

Update your Facebook status with a Chuck Norris like joke. We've all heard Chuck Norris jokes, so why not use one as your Facebook status. You can humor your friends by updating your Facebook status with a ridiculous statement like those used in Chuck Norris jokes. Below are a few examples.

(NAME)...

...doesn't read books, he just stares them down until he gets the information he wants out of them.

...doesn't sleep, he waits.

...is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

...doesn't mow his lawn, he stands outside and dares it to grow.

...can slam a revolving door.

...counted to infinity...............TWICE!!!

...can divide by zero.

...is not Politically Correct. He is just Correct. Always.

...can speak Braille.

...knows where Carmen Sandiego is.

...once won a game of Connect Four in 3 moves.

...can do a wheelie on a unicycle.

...can kill two stones with one bird.

...was once wrong, but only because he thought he had made a mistake.

10 clever Facebook statuses

2009-08-01T17:11:00.000-07:00

is wondering how blind people dream.

is wondering: if quizzes are quizzical, then tests are…?

is wondering why a “fat chance” and a “slim chance” mean the same thing.

is wondering why bra is singular and panties plural?

is wondering if you can cry under water?

is wondering why you are IN a movie, but ON TV?

is wondering why rain drops and snow falls?

is wondering why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?

is wondering why the time of day with the slowest traffic is called rush hour.

is wondering how they call a male ladybug.

is wondering why a whole damn airplane isn’t made out of the same material as the undestroyable black box?

Facebook status from O Brother, Where Art Thou

2009-08-01T17:10:00.000-07:00

These are some hilarious facebook statuses from O Brother, Where Art Thou?

Ernie is: gonna lead us all in a rousing chorus of “You Are My Sunshine.”

Ernie is: with you folks. I’m a forgiving, Christian sort of man. And I say, if their rambunctiousness, and misdemeanoring, is behind them…

Ernie is: gonna pick up the pieces and retie the knot, mixaphorically speaking.

Ernie is: the only one that remains unaffiliated.

Ernie is: a Dapper Dan man!

Ernie is: gonna visit those foreclosing son-of-a-guns at the Indianola Savings & Loan, slap that money on the barrelhead and buy back the family farm.

Ernie is: the only daddy you got! the damn paterfamilias!

Ernie is: the most fiendish instrument of torture ever devised to bedevil the days of man.

Ernie is: not sure that’s Pete.

Ernie is: tellin’ tales out of school

Ernie is: George Nelson, not baby face! You remember, and tell your friends…

VERY funny Facebook statuses

2009-08-01T17:09:00.000-07:00

Ernie is: Gonna make him an offer he can’t refuse

Ernie is: Loving the smell of napalm in the morning

Ernie is: The stuff that dreams are made of

Ernie is: Walking here

Ernie is: in need of a bigger boat

Ernie is: Winning one for the gipper (Ronald Reagan)

Ernie is: Gonna get you, and your little dog too! (From Wizard of Oz)

Ernie is: Not Mr. Lebowski, your Mr. Lebowski. I’m the dude.

Ernie is: Frankly, not giving a damn. (From Gone with the Wind)

Use these funny Facebook statuses on your profile!

2009-08-01T17:08:00.000-07:00

Ernie is: wondering why he must think of himself in the third-person to change his status.

Ernie is: just now realizing he ran out of T.P.

Ernie is: on furlough, sabbatical, hiatus, break.

Ernie is: buckle your seatbelt Dorothy cause Kansas is going bye-bye.
(Matrix Facebook status)

Ernie is: debating whether to take the blue pill or the red pill. (Matrix Facebook status)

Ernie is: the limit of x as it approaches perfection.

Ernie is: the slope of the tangent line of the function f[x]=awesome.

Ernie is: fighting the good fight.

Are you ready for a Great Facebook Status?

2009-08-01T17:07:00.000-07:00

Ernie is: just got back from his probation hearing.

Ernie is: (has) logically deduced, absolute knowledge corrupts absolutely, therefore he is giving up studying and sleeping

Ernie is: presenting his thesis on “E=MC3: That’s Right, Einstein, I Said Cubed!”

Ernie is: being interviewed on his new novel “Sweet and Sour Pork: How Can It Be Both? At The Same Time?”

Ernie is: gathering research for his essay, “Lincoln: The Man, The President, The Town Car”

Ernie is: wondering if his new research grant will accept his thesis, “Whoops!: I Blew My $800,000 Research Grant At The MGM Grand Casino”

Ernie is: pondering the scientific evidence to support the claim “Kraft Macaroni & Cheese: So Cheesy, It Should Be Called ‘Kraft Cheese & Macaroni’”

Ernie is: reviewing extensive analysis on the topic “There Sure Are A Lot of ‘Smiths’ In The Phone Book, Dude”

Ernie is: a bit disappointed he didn’t win the Nobel Prize as evidenced by his book “Why The People Who Award The Nobel Prize Are A Bunch Of Jerks”

Ernie is: doing scientific research on “Gravity: The Devil’s Tool”

Funny & Clever Facebook Statuses to make you cry with laughter.

2009-08-01T17:05:00.000-07:00

Ernie is: carving watermelons on Halloween.

Ernie is: eating pasta with chopsticks.

Ernie’s favorite color is Vanna White.

Ernie is: sorry he missed you. Stand still next time.

Ernie is: out of his mind, but feel free to leave a message.

Ernie is: wondering, is your coffee table decaf?

Ernie is: dropping science like Galileo dropped the orange

Ernie is: wondering if he hops in the shower, is he turning into a rabbit?

Funny, Very Funny Facebook Statuses

2009-08-01T17:04:00.000-07:00

Ernie is: celebrating the Cinco de Mayonnaise.

Ernie says, It’s not you, it’s me. I don’t like you.

Ernie is doing National Bring Your Hamster to work day.

Ernie says, It’s a small world so you have to use your elbows a lot.

Ernie is: asking for your daughter’s paw in marriage.

Ernie now knows the hazards of storing plutonium in Tupperware.

Ernie is: workin’ like a one-armed paper-hanger with an itch…

Ernie thinks its cheaper to fly to Old Zealand than New Zealand.

Ernie is: cooking pork chops in the toaster

Ernie says, save the whales! Collect the whole set!

Too many clever Facebook statuses!

2009-08-01T17:03:00.000-07:00

Ernie’s train of thought has derailed

Ernie says, Shaloha!

Ernie’s mono isn’t getting better…it could turn into stereo.

Ernie says, Space heaters make great house-warming gifts!

Ernie is: flossing with angel hair pasta.

Ernie has zero tolerance for lactose intolerance.

Ernie wonders, chai tea vs. tai chi?

Ernie wants you to know, there’s a great juggler on the radio tonight!

Ernie is amazed at the alarming drop-out rate of sky diving classes.

Ernie has a marvelous rack of spam recipe

Ernie is: wondering, what does cheese say when you take its picture?

Ernie is: on a crusade for Moorish dignity.

Ernie is: reading ASAP’s Fables.

Facebook statuses both funny and clever!

2009-08-01T17:02:00.000-07:00

Ernie needs help watering the plastic flowers.

Ernie is: going through a shrinking spurt.

Ernie can do astonishing feats of MENTALISM!

Ernie says, do me a favor, and don’t do me anymore favors!

Ernie suffers from uncontrollable falling down?

Ernie says, Absotively posilutely!

Ernie is: taking a machete to the intellectual thickets of society.

Ernie is: learning the art of driving a giant, nuclear powered duck.

Ernie says, cannibals are what they eat.

Ernie is: on a joyride to sanity looking for his marbles.

Funny Facebook statuses -Random assrtmnt.

2009-08-01T17:01:00.000-07:00

Ernie puts the pro in procrastinate

Ernie hears a voice in his head saying, “hey, can I join in?”

Ernie needs to learn how to type with more than two fingers

Ernie is: hammering out a wicked comeback

Ernie is: Jack’s complete lack of surprise. From Fight Club

Ernie is: calm as a Hindu cow From Fight Club

Ernie is: so fly he’s growing wings.

Clever & Funny Facebook statuses – come and get em!

2009-08-01T17:00:00.000-07:00

Ernie wants an Orange Mocha Frappuccino!
Ernie served in the military under General Apathy.
Ernie is: trying to think of clever things to say after inhaling from a helium balloon.
Ernie Facts: 1) Ninjas are mammals. 2) Ninjas fight ALL the time. 3) The purpose of the ninja is to flip out and kill people.
Ernie found a shortcut for next week’s marathon.
Ernie is: revoking your creative license.
Ernie is: leveraging core competencies across the extraprise
Ernie, it turns out, isn’t a Jedi
Ernie’s hobby is collecting dust

Clever Facebook statuses, you’ll like these!

2009-08-01T16:57:00.000-07:00

Ernie is planning a vacation and is leaning towards Pisa.
Ernie says, Muscle Shoals has got the swampers.
Ernie wants to expand the NFL season to 162 games.
Ernie’s NOT fat…that’s his money belt.
Ernie is: a stereotype. I’m not wrong. I’m cuddly.
Ernie is writing: Anachronistic Antidisestablishmentarianism: A Case Study.
Ernie sees golf-ball sized hail! Grab your 9-iron and let’s go…
Ernie is: thinking Pandora didn’t think outside the box.
Ernie brakes for unicorns.
Ernie is: the kid next door’s imaginary friend.

Funny Facebook Statuses from Profiles

2009-08-01T16:56:00.001-07:00

Ernie just got bitten by a radioactive spider and now has super spidey powers

Ernie is the reason Waldo is hiding

Ernie is. Are you?

Ernie’s eyes hurt from trying to decipher if the unzoomed picture of you in your profile shot is you or some random with your same name.

Ernie is going crazy… wanna come?

Ernie’s bathroom scale can go from 0 to 230 in 3 seconds flat.

Ernie says, always take two Baptists fishing. If you take only one, he’ll drink all your beer.

Facebook Statuses from Clever Profiles

2009-08-01T16:54:00.000-07:00

Ernie supports the Annexation of Canada! Vote yes on 6!

Ernie can read minds, but is illiterate.

Ernie is preparing to not just read about socialism in history books, but in the morning newspaper (Matt C.)

Ernie is a ninja =.= (Chris V.)

Ernie thinks Haikus are awesome, but sometimes they don’t make sense. Refrigerator (Thanks Alan)

Ernie thinks life is like a box of terrible analogies (Threadless)

Ernie is making sure his deer isn’t staring at headlights (Cat R.)

Funny/Clever Status to Use for Your Facebook Status

2009-08-01T16:52:00.000-07:00

These are some new Facebook statuses spotted in the wild. Keep posting your clever statuses in the comments.

Allison is Boom, roasted.

Blake just watched the first part of the Godfather for his “Family Business Management” class.

Aaron is down with the sickness.

Joel is tradin’ in his Chevy for a Cadillacacacacacacacacacacacacacacacacac

Nathan Why have a Hummer if you can’t jump curbs to pass cars turning ahead of you and run down unsuspecting cars merging in front of them, I say?

Richard -who needs crack when the president has got all the stimulants you need.

Matthew is what do you say when an atheist sneezes?

Vaughan is such a thrillseeker, when I see a ‘Caution, Wet Floor’ sign, I walk faster

Ernie says don’t you wish there were a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence? There’s one marked ‘Brightness,’ but it doesn’t work.

Facebook Statuses to use… Both Funny and Clever

2009-08-01T16:50:00.000-07:00

Ernie keeps secrets from his computer.

Jessica M. aren’t you a little short for a storm trooper?

John B. is John’s inquisitive mind.

Elizabeth B. has people on her mind. And they weigh more than I do… so it’s a little heavy.

Ram G. What happens if I type here?

Liam M. is the National Spellling Bee Runer-Up

Adrian A. thinks all who cherish the second amendment should be glad for Michelle Obama’s continued public support for our constitutional right to Bare Arms.

Hysterical Facebookable Statuses for Facebook

2009-08-01T16:48:00.000-07:00

Vaughan A. is a cross dresser. Deciding what to wear can get me angry.

Ben F. is dynamite with a lazer beam.

Thomas G. I’ve dreamed up a new sport to save part of the auto industry… Chrysler Town and Country street racing!

Katie M. shivers with antici…………………………………………………………pation

Tyler A. has made it his job to put the “fun” back into “funeral.”

Andrew M. is living vicariously through himself.

Robert D. is under the weather, as opposed to certain astronauts, who are above it.

Aaron M. The original title of the movie XXX was XXXX, but one of the Xs got scared and ran away when they heard they cast Vin Diesel.

Brandon H. Found refs for game 5 listed on Craig’s List…obviously Lakers bought them for game 4.

Funny Facebook Status Updates

2009-08-01T16:36:00.000-07:00

Funny Facebook Status Updates.

Funny Facebook Status update

If you are looking for a funny facebook status update then you came to the right place! We have plenty of hilarious ideas for your facebook status that will leave your friends rolling on the floor with laughter. This constantly evolving list will make your friends wonder where you get all that amazing wit from.

is…

too cool for school.
constantly evolving.
intelligently designing.
the dude, playing the dude, disguised as another dude.
a day late and a dollar short.
eating a PB&J sammich.
the kid next door’s imaginary friend.
trying to think of clever things to say after inhaling from a helium balloon.
flossing with angel hair pasta.
creatively disabled currently.
preparing for a meeting with Chuck Norris. What should I WEAR??!?!
watching some dude and some chick fight to tell someone else what not to wear.
definitely not watching what not to wear.
definitely not watching oprah.
selling my roomates $hit on eBay.
forcing my dog to learn how to google.
teaching the cat how to be a ninja.
about to mail my check for $1500 to nigeria for the $15million lottery i just won! Cya later SUCKAS!!
watching every matrix followed by every star wars followed by every LOTR. Which incidentally adds up to exactly 24hours.
snail mailing a snail. Just to say I did it.
sexual healing.
eating pizza but not the italian kind.. the taco bell kind.
one day older than I was yesterday.
crying for no particular reason other than the fact that my cat spontaneously combusted!
happy that you finally broke up with that slut. Now I can tell you VIA facebook update that I boinked her.
kissing a girl and may or may not be liking it.
mediocre at best.

Has…

zero tolerance for lactose intolerance.
> $20 in my bank acct. Drinks on you homie.
20/20 hearing!
a giant hangover octopus stuck to my head.
run out of time on my parking meter.
google’d and google’d until my little paws hurt.
ninety nine problems however, a biotch is not currently one. (this can coincide with a recent “in a relationship)
just added a friend I don’t even know.
noticed your mother has been calling me a lot, wondering whats that about?
just bought a cadillac, throwing some D’s on that bitch.
actually won the nigerian lottery!
puked more than twice today.
sold the dudes car who keep parking in my spot on eBay. SUCKA!!!
made my car into a hybrid by siphoning gas out of your tank.
noticed that your looking a little fat lately, you should really do something about that.
seen pictures of you naked on the internet.

was…

asleep until you just called me… ass!
watching football when it just hit me, football is extremely gay.
dancing with the stars.
drunk dialing but luckily my mom stopped me. Thanks MADD (motha’s against drunk dialing)
googling pop tarts. God I LOVE POP TARTS!
snorting salt… Don’t, it stings.
watching 2girls1cup and now i am puking.
scouring youtube for the naked videos that somehow make it through.
listening to the latest britney spears record…….. i mean… definately not listening to britney spears.

Come back often for updated facebook status updates! And, feel free to look around the rest of the website, we got tons of crap you could probably use!

code	symbol
1	☺
2	☻
3	♥
4	♦
5	♣
6	♠
7	•
8	◘
9	○
10	◙
11	♂
12	♀
13	♪
14	♫
15	☼
16	►
17	◄
18	↕
19	‼
20	¶

code	symbol
1	☺
2	☻
3	♥
4	♦
5	♣
6	♠
7	•
8	◘
9	○
10	◙
11	♂
12	♀
13	♪
14	♫
15	☼
16	►
17	◄
18	↕
19	‼
20	¶

code	symbol
1	☺
2	☻
3	♥
4	♦
5	♣
6	♠
7	•
8	◘
9	○
10	◙
11	♂
12	♀
13	♪
14	♫
15	☼
16	►
17	◄
18	↕
19	‼
20	¶